A Hellfire Commentaries Fanfiction: A New Threat!
by Akuzo911
Summary: Sora kills terrorists, and Parasite Cage as well!


Kingdom Hearts: A New Threat.

By Akuzo911

One day, in the world of Kingdom Hearts, Sora was happily prancing along, killing heartless as he went, and then…SUDDENLY BEHEMOTH! Sora pranced his little ass away, while the Behemoth was too busy DERPing to notice Sora. Sora kept prancing, all the way to Mexico. Once in Mexico, he had a burrito and left.

Then, with the newfound joy that the burrito had given him, Sora pranced across the Atlantic Ocean, Africa, parts of Asia, and finally ended up in…AFGHANISTAN!*cue fancy intro* This barren world was mysterious, and Sora could not wait to start exploring! "I wonder what I'll find?" He took two steps, and was promptly shot in the leg. "HOLY MOTHERFUCKING JESUS THAT HURT!" He said, laying on the ground, with his leg bleeding out.

Meanwhile, in England…

NTom64 was watching the news, while drinking tea, thinking about how much he hates Sonic 06, and looking forward to Birth by Sleep. The newsman said,"This just in! Sora is currently being gang-raped by terrorists!" Tom spat out his tea in shock. Those motherfuckers! He thought. He called TheHelldragon via Skype, and told him of the impending doom. Helldragon said, "If Sora dies…we'll have to play as Roxas for THE REST OF OUR LIVES!" Tom replied, "Let's get those douche-bags!"

Back to terrorists…

Sora was trapped in a hole. He had been shot in the leg, gang-raped, and had contracted 19 STDs from various sources. He had never faced such terrible forces before. Fucking Sephiroth wasn't even this bad, he thought. He heard the opening being lifted, and felt his small body lifted. The terrorists, to demean him, had dressed him in his hotpants(UUUGGHH.) He was put out in front of all the terrorists, so they could see, and he saw a way to get out. If I can make it there, he thought, I'm home free.

Let's see how Team Hellfire's doing, eh?

NTom64 and TheHelldragon had met in Africa, and were formulating a plan. Tom thought he could hear the voice of another commentator…"Rape them!" It said. While Tom was pondering the meaning of this, FastestThingAlive just happened to be running by. "Gareth, what the fuck are you doing?" said Tom. "I'm grabbing rings, BITCH!" replied Gareth. "Come with us to kill the terrorists!" said Tom. "Yay!" said Gareth, as he joined their team. Tom proceeded with his plans, "Now, how will we do this…"

Oh noes! Sora is in trouble!

Sora ran for the opening in their defenses, and just barely made it! As he was running, he passed a chest. At first, he thought nothing of it, but then Helldragon contacted him telepathically, "FINALLY, No more FUCKING WORDS! By the way, Why the fuck did you pass that chest back there?" Sora realized if he didn't follow Helldragon's command, he would be punched across time. OH LORD NO.

He went back to open the chest, and inside it was…du-Du-DU-DUH! A new Keyblade! It's called "Fuckslayer" and it looks like an M16 with vague elements of being a key. It shoots people! Not with magic! REAL BULLETS! Buy now for only $19.95, and get your first five magazines, TOTALLY FREE! "Fuck you, Billy Mays!" said Sora. While the ad was playing, the terrorists caught up with Sora. He shot them with Fuckslayer, and they exploded with blood and gore. "SHIT JUST GOT REAL, BITCHES!" said Sora, triumphantly!

Weren't there some other people here?

NTom64 and the others were slowly sneaking into the terrorist hideout, Solid Snake style. TheHelldragon said, "Are we there yet?" Tom replied, "No." "Are we there yet?" "No." "Are we-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP." And the journey continued. Eventually, they found themselves in the center of the complex. They saw a shadow across a far wall. "There's that little bitch!" said Helldragon, as he drew his keyblade, Holy Fuckfyre.

He ran across the room to engage battle with the terrorists, with Tom and Gareth at his side. Sora was already wrecking the fuck out of them, and Helldragon just sped things up. Gareth was defenseless, except for jumping on people's heads, which is VERY HARD. Tom used his Hellfire Missile keyblade, which just blows up if you flail it too hard, so Tom had to use sissy pushes. The terrorists were amazed by Sora's great skill. "Look at him flail!" said one. "He's so graceful!" said another. "He doesn't flail as good as me." said the leader.

The main problem with fighting terrorists is, once you kill them, then a Heartless and a Nobody pop up right where the fucker was standing. It makes taking them out a pain. After six hours of constant fighting, Sora and Helldragon finally prevailed. At which point, the boss appeared. It was…PARASITE CAGE. "Parasite Cage, you've killed one fridge too many." said Helldragon. Parasite Cage said to Sora, "You've dared to challenge my flailing skills. Prepare to die." Parasite Cage prepared for his ultimate flail, when Tom said "Fuck this!" and threw his keyblade into Parasite Cage, whereupon it exploded beautifully, and took out Parasite Cage. Tom gloated by saying, "Well, that was an EPIC FLAIL, wasn't it!"*crickets chirping* "…Ba-dum, TISH." said Helldragon. "Fuck you all." said Tom.

Helldragon noticed Sora's hotpants at this point. "OH GOD!" Helldragon ran outside, and had a big surprise. "DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERP." said Derp Dragon, Helldragon's Heartless. It was flying outside, looking for it's heart, which Helldragon had. "YOU"RE NOT MY FUCKING HEARTLESS!" at which point, Helldragon, frustrated with his retarded Heartless, jumped up and screamed, "TERIAAAAAAA!" and kicked Derp Dragon across time, and he ended up in China. "THAT FELT SOOOO FUCKING GOOD!" said Helldragon when Sora, Tom, and Gareth showed up. Sora summoned a car Heartless to pick them up. On the way back home to England, Helldragon asked, "What about me? How will I get home?" Sora said, "That's easy." He then summoned Derp Dragon to give Helldragon a ride. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

This has been an HFC fanfiction by Akuzo911.

Thanks for reading!


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